Friday, November 26, 2004

Well, its been a while since I last wrote something, I have been pretty busy with school and work, so there is not much time to write ^^; I'm doing good in school, despite on how much things have changed since I got here. In the last post I wrote about my g/f breaking up with me, which has been the hardest thing I have had to deal with in my life. We loved each other so much that we would do anything it takes to stay together forever. I felt the deepest love two people could share in this life, and all I had to do was look into her eyes. Just one look into her eyes and I saw everything; my past, present, and future, and her right there with me. All I wanted in my life was to be with her, to embrace that deep love we both shared, to be together forever, even after we have passed on. I remember every special moment, every happy moment, even every sad moment. These moments in my life changed me forever.

~~The Past~~ (In The Beginning...)

It has been about 4 years since the day I first met her. I always told myself that I would never get emotionally involved with anyone over the internet, this especially came after being with my first g/f for only 2 weeks, and then going to see her only to come back and have my heart shattered into pieces with no valid reason as to why. Even though that was so long ago, May 7, 2002 to be exact, I still remember, and will always remember, especially the scar my heart received from it. You can heal from being hurt, however when you are scarred it will last a lifetime. Shortly after I met my first g/f I met Stephanie, and we started to become good friends. Over the many troubles I had during my life she was always there for me even through my toughest times. I remember when my 2nd g/f left me and Stephanie was there to help me get over it, and when that happend I couldn't help but to think that Stephanie wished I could be with her, and that she wanted to be with me for the longest time. Everytime she talked to me I could feel that she loved me, especially in the way she would speak to me. We kinda lost touch with each other a few times, and around the time my 3rd g/f was getting together with me, I saw Stephanie again. We started talking about things that occured during the time we were away from each other. She said that she had a b/f, and that they broke up because he wasn't that loving to her. I told her about the girl I was about to get together with and she thought that was cool, however I could tell that she wished it was her instead. Shortly after being with my new g/f, Stephanie and me started talking one night, and what happend that night I will never forget.

Stephanie was kinda in a depressed mood about things going on in her life. I could tell that she was tired of being alone, and that she wanted to be with someone that truly loved her, little did she know that I loved her for the longest time, I just never told her. She was telling me about the times when I was there for her, and that I helped her so much. She finally came out and said, "I love you Brandon, I have loved you for the longest time, ever since the day we met, and your the one I've always wanted to be with, because I know you love me too", and she was right, I did love her, I loved her so very much. That night was a turing point for me and her, yet I was with someone at the moment and couldn't be with her. As the days went on Stephanie got more depressed because I was still with my current g/f, and I could tell it was hurting her so much inside. One night she had her friend over while she was talking to me, and during the conversation she said that she loved me, and no matter how much I wanted to say it, I couldn't. Stephanie started to cry, when her friend saw her crying she got mad and told Stephanie to let her talk to me. Her friend started to yell at me for treating Stephanie so bad, and I asked her friend if she wanted me to leave, and she told me to leave and never come back, so I did. Stephanie started messaging me telling me how sorry she was, and told me to come back, and I didn't come back on until the next day. During that night Stephanie couldn't stop crying, and even tried to find some rat poison so that she could end it all. When she told me this the next day I wanted to yell at her for even thinking about doing that, but I couldn't yell at someone I loved so much.

The next day I broke up with my current g/f because she didn't want to tell her familiy about me for fear that they would get angry. I don't like being hidden, it happened with my first g/f and I didn't want to do it again. Shortly thereafter me and Stephanie got together, Aug 5, 2003 to be exact. And it was only a short time after that I was on my way to meet her.

I still to this day remember the first time I saw her. It was a little over a year ago, and her birthday was coming up, so I really tried my hardest to be there on her special day. I remember buying her this 3 heart necklace, which had words like love, forever, trust, etc. I thought that the necklace was the perfect gift for her because it represented everything our releationship was based on. A few days later I was on my way to meet her, which I was really nervous about, but also very happy and excited. I remember getting off the plane and walking to the escalator that would lead me to her, my heart was pounding so fast, yet I was full of happiness. After a short few seconds on the escalator, I saw her, standing there, anxiously waiting for me to arrive. When I first set my eyes on her, my heart stopped, and it felt like time stopped along with it. During that time, all I could do was look at her, she was so beautiful, the most beautiful girl I had ever seen, and it made me realize how lucky I was to be with someone who loved me for myself, and not for other things like my last g/fs. I walked over to her, and we were very quiet at first, but then started talking. I could feel that she was as nervous as I was, but we didn't care, we started talking like we knew each other for years.

We shared so much during those days. I still remember every place that we went and everything we did, I even remember the first time we held hands. It was a cold day and we went to visit the Hermitage (Home of President Andrew Jackson). While we were walking through the garden on the rock path we started talking about these little propeller things that were flying everywhere. So we stopped and stood there so we could watch them, and even try to catch them lol. Before we started walking again, I took a chance and brought my hand to hers', which she happily accepted with a smile. We held hands during the whole time we walked. After a while we sat down, during which time I took her hand in mine, and when I did she smiled at me again, and at that moment all I could do was look into her eyes. All my attention was on her and nothing else, it was like I shut out the entire world and the only thing I could see was her, she was so beautiful, so loving, and everytime she smiled at me I could feel my heart beating faster, like it felt love for the first time. Another special time I remember was when one night her parents were talking about how good she sings and wanted her to sing a song for us. After much coaxing by her parents she finally gave in lol, and so we went into the living room to await her performance. She decided that she would sing "First Love" by Utada Hikaru. As she was singing I just stood there and watched her, not wanting to take my eyes off her. She sang so beautifually and elegantly, even the words of the song got to me and I couldn't help but hold back the tears I was feeling, because I knew she sang that song as a dedication to our love. Everytime she sings to me I can feel it deep inside my heart, and it doesn't matter what is bothering me because all she has to do is sing with her loving and soothing voice and it gives me the strength to get through it.

As the days went by, we got closer and closer to each other, and I loved every minute of it because I could actually express my feelings towards someone I truly love. After a few weeks I had to return home, which was really hard on both of us because we came to love being with each other and being able to express our love. When I came back home I was very sad, she was too, and as we were talking on the phone, we both started to cry. We cried because we wish the moments we had could last forever, and we wern't sure as to when we would see each other again. Over the next few months we still were growing closer and closer to each other, and then one day we started discussing our future together. We started talking about marriage after about being together for 5 to 6 months, and decided that in about 4 years we would get married, and about 2 years later raise a family. We discussed it quite a bit, which we didn't mind because of how strong we felt about it. We knew that we wanted to get married and have a future, because all that matterd to us was being together forever.

I wasn't able to see her until about 9 months after our first meeting. During that 9 months we had many tough times with school, things going on in the families, and hard times with each other as well. Yet we fought and fought to be strong for ourselves, and for each other. And at about the end of July, I told her that I would be coming down for our 1 year anniversary. She was so happy, the most happiest I had ever seen her, because after all the trying times we had been through, we were finally going to be with each other again.

All I could think about until I left was her and how much I was going to express my love to her. I could finally be the b/f she always wanted, to be nothing but loving and caring for the whole time I was with her. The day finally came and I was on my way to be with my true love once more. I was traveling by myself, which was new to me since I had never done it before ^^; but it was kinda fun. I traveled all through the early morning and didn't sleep at all, I couldn't sleep, all I could think about was what was waiting for me when I arrived, the love of my life. When I arrived at the airport and began walking through the concourse, all of the memories and feelings from the last time I saw her came back to me, and that made me walk a little faster to reach the arms of my love. When I was almost there my heart started to pound like it did the first time, but I wasn't nervous at all, just happy and full of spirit. I arrived at that familiar escalator and began my decent downward, knowing that she was going to be there when I got off.

Before I reached the bottom I saw her standing in the same place, the place I first layed eyes on her. We would always talk about what was going to happen when we were finally together again, we would even dream of it. We would wonder if we were going to hug, or kiss, or both lol. Our eyes finally met and all we could do was smile, my heart felt at ease. I got off the escalator and walked up to her with my arms open and gave her a hug, which I never wanted to break apart from. After we were finished hugging I looked into her eyes again and thought, "I'm finally here, able to be where I always wanted to be, right here with you".

I stayed with her for 2 whole weeks, and we had nothing but loving and special moments together, moments I will cherish, moments I will never forget, and don't want to forget. We even took a road trip with her family to St. Louis. It was a 5 hour drive, and it was also my first time going there. We left at about 7pm and drove all through the night. Stephanie was getting tired after about 2 hours so she slept on my lap for the majority of the trip. I was awake the whole time, just holding her in my lap while she slept so peacfully. When we got into St. Louis she woke up, she always looks so sleepy and cute when she wakes up, and it always makes me smile. We arrived at the hotel and all her parents wanted to do was sleep lol. Her sisters' b/f also came with us and me and him had to stay in a room with her parents while Stephanie and her sister stayed with her grandmother in the next room. Before they even went to their room, her grandmother already locked the door and they couldn't get in. They didn't mind staying in the room with us lol, but her stepdad wouldn't stand for it. So he started pounding on the door in hopes that she would hear it. It took a while for her to open it, and when she did Stephanie was disappointed lol. The next day we went to Six Flags while her parents took Brianna, their chinese adopted daughter, to see the Wiggles. Before we got there Stephanie's grandmother gave us all 10 dollars, which I thought was very sweet of her. Now, I'm not a big fan of rollercoasters, infact I would be so scared to even step foot on one. But while I was with Stephanie I felt so safe that I was willing to do anything because I knew she was right there with me. So I went on about 3 rollercoasters with her, and after that we both felt dizzy lol. We stayed there the whole day, which was like 7 hours. I used the money her grandmother gave me and bought Stephanie some things. One of which was this little glass flower I got for her from this glass shop. I used all the money on buying stuff for her, which I didn't mind because I loved doing it. During our precious time together I came to realize something about my own life. I realized that I was finally happy in my life, truly happy. The pain of lonliness and sadness that plagued and ate away at my heart through all of my life vanished, and I felt like my life was reborn into something new, something better, something that I never wanted to let go of, something that I have been waiting for and wanting my whole life, my soulmate, my love, my heart, my life, my Stephanie.

I knew that leaving after that 2 weeks was going to be tough, a lot tougher than the last time, and it was. I was leaving in the early morning and her stepdad was going to drive me to the airport. Even though it was very early and she had to go to school, she wanted me to wake her up no matter what. I don't like to disturb her when she is sleeping because she looks so peaceful, not to mention beautiful, but also because she works so hard during the day and she will need every bit of rest for the start of the next day. I went upstairs to wake her, and to my surprize she jumped right out of bed, not wanting to waste the few short minutes we had left. I could tell she was very sad, not to mention very sleepy ^^; but I knew that all she wanted to do was hold me in her arms and want nothing more but for me to stay with her. I never wanted to leave because when she is sad, so am I, and I can't help but to cry when I think about this moment, for I will never forget it.

After about 15 minutes, it was time for me to go. She wished me a safe trip, and told me to tell her when I got back home so we could talk. So off I went, on my way back home, something I dreaded going back to when my visit with her was over. All I could think about on my flight back home was her and it made me feel very sad, just like the first time. I would just sit there and remember everything, and when I did it made me smile. I never wanted to ever go back home, but in order for me to begin my future with her, I had to do it. I would have to sacrafice things offered to me so I could be with her, one of which was having to move. I moved away from home for many reasons, one of the reasons is my family, I need to get away from them. Another reason was to further myself by going to college, which is currently ongoing. But the main reason I came here was for her. Everybody was against me coming here, and always told me that it wouldn't work out, and that something would happen. Even though she told me that nothing would ever happen, and that it never could happen, I believed her with all my heart.

It took me a while to get things situated, and with all I had to do I was getting very stressed. I was mainly stressed because I promised her that I wouldn't be gone for to much longer and that I would be back in her arms before she knew it. When I was with her during that 2 weeks, I told her what I had to do when I came back home in order for me to return to her. She knew it was going to be tough and stressful as well. Me being stressed so much made her stressed as well, which led to a few problems that we had to deal with. After about a month of preparing and stressing I was on my way to build a future, not just for me, but for both of us. I knew that there was no turning back from the decision I made, for it would forever change my life. I was so commited to our relationship that I would die fighting to make it work, no matter what I had to do, or go through.

~~The Present~~

She wasn't able to meet me at the airport since I was arriving late at night. She did call me that night and we talked for a little bit. She was so sorry that she wasn't able to see me that night, and that she couldn't wait until tomorrow to see me. I had to go to my college for registration the next day, which lasted about 2 hours. Later that day I went to see her and I could hardly wait. When I got there she was so happy to see me, as she always is, but this time she knew that I was here for good. I didn't start class until the following Monday, so on the weekend I went to stay the whole day with her, for I knew I would need all the support I could get to last the whole time I was there. The next Monday was my first day of class, and I was late because I went to FedEx to apply for a job, which by the time I was done with the interview I was already hired. During that first week class was pretty easy since they were going over things I have known for a while. And every other day of the week I went to see Stephanie so I could spend some time with her. This continued on for a few weeks, and then Stephanie's birthday came up again and I wanted to make it even more special than the first time. So on her birthday I brought her DDR Extreme for the PS2, because after all she loves to dance. I also brought her some marshmallow peeps, which she loves also. But this time I brought her some really nice red roses and when she saw them she gave me a big hug and a kiss, she was so happy. That was the last time I saw her happy face smiling back at me.

A few days later she called me, and I was steressing as usual with school, work, and pretty much the whole moving situation in general. I could tell that she was tired of me being this way, but there was no way I could help it because so much has changed for me and it was a lot to take in. When she talked to me I felt no love in my heart, I felt nothing, I knew something was terribly wrong. I was going to see her that night, and everytime I was on my way to her I was happy, but this time I was scared, I was so scared of what was happening, or what might happen. I felt my heart growing heavy and I knew that before the night was over either things were going to be ok, or they were going to fall apart. As I got closer and closer to her house I began to feel worse and worse. I felt like I was still alive, yet I was so dead inside, I couldn't even feel my heart beating. When she opened the door I looked at her face and showed no emotion because I didn't know how to feel. I could tell by the look in her eyes that something terrible was going to happen tonight. After a while we went upstairs to talk, and with every step I took I felt like I was going to die. We went into her room and sat on the bed, she wasn't happy, not happy at all. She had things in her room, many things that I have given her over the year we have been together. We started talking, even though it was so hard to even speak to each other. She told me that she couldn't do this anymore, that the stress was to much for her, and that the only way to releave it was to break up. She showed no emotion when she told me this, it was like she had no heart and didn't know what she was saying.

After she said that a million memories ran through my mind, memories of our relationship. I had no words to say to her, all that came out of my mouth was, "why?, why are you doing this?", and she said, "because I have to". I broke down, it felt like a million shots to my already aching heart, and I felt like I wanted to die right there on the floor. I kept pleading with her not to do this, that we can fix it, and with all we have been through we should atleast try and fix it. But she didn't want to try anymore, she was going to let this tear us apart when we have been through a lot worse than this. She kept telling me no and that she didn't want to give me a second chance. And the whole time she was saying this to me there was no emotion on her face, she would not even look at me. I know Stephanie, and when she makes up her mind its final, nothing can change it, but I was willing to do anything to make her change this decision. But no matter how hard I tried she would say the same thing, "I don't want to do this anymore". I started to cry and it wouldn't stop, I kept thinking that this was a terrible dream, or a horrible nightmare, but it wasn't. I fell to the floor crying in front of her saying, "why?!, why?!, why does this have to happen?!", she said nothing to me and just sat there with no emotion. I cried for the longest time, longer than I ever have, and when I felt like it was going to stop it kept going.

After a while it was time for me to go, but I didn't want to, I kept hoping that I could fix this. Sadly there nothing I could do, so I got up and left her room and made my way to the stairs. I hid what happened from her mom because Stephanie said that she was going to tell her, plus I didn't want her to see me crying. Before I left I gave her one last hug, but this wasn't a normal hug, it felt different to me. When she normally hugs me she doesn't squeeze me that hard, but this time she was, and when I looked down at her she was crying, it was the only emotion I saw from her that whole night. When we stopped hugging she looked at me and said, "I'm sorry", which only made her cry some more. I didn't show any more emotion until I was driving back home. On the way back I broke down in the car, crying and saying, "how could she do this to me?!, why would she want to do this?!". I had a very hard time seeing anything because my eyes hurt so much from the tears and pain. There was nothing I could do, I had no future, I had no life, I had no heart, all I wanted to do was cry because she was everything to me, and without her I was nothing.

Stephanie Autumn Terrell & Brandon Tyler Bartels
*Aug 5, 2003 - Oct 16, 2004*

~~Everyday With You~~

Everyday with you was special

Everyday with you was grand

And no matter what the next day would bring;

All I wanted to do was spend Everyday with you

~~ Brandon Bartels

She invited me to her Halloween party and was wondering if I still was going to attend. I thought that maybe if I went I could talk to her again, but I was wrong. I arrived at her house and it wasn't her that answered the door but her sister. Her parents weren't home because they went out to eat and her sister wasn't sure when they were coming back. When I walked in I saw her sitting at the table, she then looked over at me and just stared for a few seconds without saying a word. I felt like I wasn't even noticed, that I didn't even belong, that I wasn't even wanted there anymore. Her friends were over, well 2 of them, and she was having fun with them by dancing around and acting silly and stupid like she always does. I decided that I was going to tell her that we needed to talk. Her friend was next to her when I said that and I could tell that she didn't want Stephanie to talk to me or to listen to what I had to say. As we started to walk up the stairs her friend said something to her which I couldn't make out but I was sure that it was something against me. When we came into her room I looked around only to see that everything that resembled me was taken down and put away in her closet. There was one thing that she forget to put away, and that was the little glass rose I got her, it was still there. When I saw it I wanted to cry because it was the only proof there was that I even existed. Talking to her didn't do any good because she didn't want to hear it, and after a while she said she wanted to go back downstairs to be with her friends, so she left the room and I went to sit alone at the top of the stairs. Shortly after just sitting there and being ignored by everybody her parents finally came home. The first thing her stepdad said to me when he walked in was that he was sorry for everything that happened. I started talking to her stepdad about everything that has happened, and while talking to him I started to cry. Every word that came out of my mouth was all choked up and it was hard for me to speak. I kept talking to him even though I had so many tears running down my face, and through the whole time I was talking he looked at me and I could tell he felt for me because he has never seen me like this, neither has Stephanie's mother. I asked her mom about why she would do this, and she said, "she is being stupid, she is only 17 and doesn't understand what she is doing because she is immature". I told her mom that I loved Stephanie very much and I always will for as long as I live, and that I will do anything it takes to make everything right again. Her mom said that she and Jurgen both love me very much because I'm a good person with a very good future ahead of me. The only future I want is for me to be with Stephanie until the day I die. They said that everything will work out for the best and I believe them when they say that.

When it was time for me to leave they gave me a hug and assured me that everything was going to be ok. I myself wanted nothing more but for it to be ok, I wanted it to be like this never happened. I know that her breaking up with me was because of the stress I was going through. She pretty much took my stress and made it into her own because she was being selfish and didn't care how I felt. Another one of the things that bothered her was the fact we had different opinions on things. If she really loved me and cared about me she would accept the opinions I had and not let them get in the way of our love for each other. She just can't come to terms that things in this world can't be perfect, people can't be perfect, but thats life, you have to accept that things can't be the way you want them to be. She thinks she will find someone that will agree with her on everything and its just impossible to view it that way. If there was such a person like that they would only be agreeing with her just because she wants them to, and not because of their own opinions. They would change their own personal opinions to match hers just to make her happy, but living a relationship of lies can't bring happiness and it never will. Relationships should be based on love, devotion, but most importantly trust and honesty. I never lied, never cheated, and was always truthful and honest with everything I said to her, and yet I guess that wasn't enough. I guess she only loved me for my kindness and sincerity and nothing else. It is very sad that some people in this world are so heartless and can't accept people for who they are and what they believe in because they have this dream in their mind that they will find someone just like them in every way and don't realize that every single person in this world is different. The majority of the relationships I have been through ended in failure, a failure in acceptance. Don't tell someone you love them unless you can truly love them for who they are, because if you can't love them for themself the relationship will fail and all it will cause is pain and heartache.

During that night I told her parents that I still wanted to help with things, all they have to do is call me. About a week later they called me to help them strip and wax a floor. I knew that I would most likley see Stephanie that night because she usually helps them. When I arrived at her house she was in her room with the door shut and apparently wasn't going to help them that night probably because I was going to be there. On the way there her mom was asking me how school and everything was going, I told her everything was ok, if you want to call it that when I still felt the heartbreaking after effects. The whole stripping process took about 3 hours and my back was hurting a little when we finished. Jurgen said that I could go back home because it only took 2 people to wax the floor and Stephanie's cousin was going to help him. I hadn't eaten anything all day and was very weak, so her mom took me and Stephanie's sister to Wal-Mart. When we came back to their house Stephanie was sitting in the living room watching Star Wars. I walked in and she looked at me and didn't say anything, then her mom walked in and told her to say hi to me, she then turned and said, "Hello Brandon", and to this day those were the last words I heard her speak to me. After about a minute of just standing there, she got up and turned off the movie and headed back up to her room, I guess she couldn't bear to look at me. When I talked to her at the Halloween party she said that she wasn't going to let what happened bother her, but apparently it still did. If it didn't bother her anymore she would be able to look at me in the face and not run away, so I could tell that even after the break-up it still got to her everytime she looked at me. When she went upstairs her sister said to me that Stephanie was being an idiot, and her mom also said she was being rude. I told her mom that when I finish school I might move back home and she said that over time I will grow roots here and won't want to leave, I could tell that they didn't want me to go back home, that they wanted me to stay in the hope that things would change, which is what I wanted as well.

About a week or so later Stephanie's best friend instant messaged me on Yahoo, and this is what she said to me:

fireyes21 (5:55:47 PM): .....

ikaruga_x (5:56:01 PM): yes?

fireyes21 (5:56:23 PM): is this Brandon?

ikaruga_x (5:56:41 PM): yes

fireyes21 (5:56:56 PM): Brandon Bartel?

ikaruga_x (5:57:16 PM): who else would it be Sherry?

fireyes21 (5:57:27 PM): YOU ARE AN ASS!!!!

fireyes21 (5:57:53 PM): You don't deserve Stephanie!

ikaruga_x (5:58:13 PM): you don't even know the half of it so I would quit while you are ahead

fireyes21 (5:58:49 PM): OH I know all of it because Stephanie is my best friend and she tells me everything you stupid jerk!

ikaruga_x (5:59:15 PM): oh, and what do you know, huh?

ikaruga_x (5:59:18 PM): tell me

ikaruga_x (5:59:20 PM): I want to hear it

fireyes21 (5:59:50 PM): I will in a minute I am busy now....so leave me alone before you really piss me off

ikaruga_x (6:00:19 PM): I'm waiting

fireyes21 (6:01:02 PM): I am doing something give me a minute!!! I let you know when I am done!!!

ikaruga_x (6:01:12 PM): ok fine

ikaruga_x (10:05:40 PM): I'll be waiting to hear what you have to say next time

She signed off and never even said a word to me. If you reading this Stephanie, don't have your friends back you up if they don't even know what the hell they are talking about. Your friend has no idea what happened and what we have been through together and involving her in our personal business was wrong of you. I'm very interested to see what she has to say, so if you see her Stephanie, tell her I'm still waiting. A few days before this happened I was in an argument with Stephanie, even though I have the whole conversation I will not post it because that is between me and her. I know I talk about Stephanie in a mean way but the fact is I still love her very much, its just that when I think about what she did to me I get sad, and then I get mad. To scrafice everything I had to be with her and then have it not be fufilled makes me look like a complete fool in front of my family because all of them were against me doing this, except for my mom. I'm very indebted to my mom for all she has done for me, but now it is up to me to live on for myself and be independent. My brother and sister are most likley not going to go to college, which means that me and mom will be the only people in our family with any sort of degree. And with all the trouble I had during junior high school I'm amazed and suprized that I haven't given up, but for now I will keep on fighting for my future, and for a great life as well.

Currently Stephanie is seeing this other guy she met on FFXI. I kept thinking if getting that game for her was a good choice or not, I only ment to get it for her so she could have some sort of interaction with me. With all the things that happened while we were playing that game I decided that it was a very bad choice on my part and wished that I never even considered getting it for her. She says that after we broke up she isen't wasting her time anymore by talking to me on the phone, now she wastes that time playing that stupid game, but sooner a later she will realize that you have to stop playing games in life and be serious for once. The fact that after she broke up with me and quickly got with someone else made me feel like I was nothing to her, like it was a slap in the face. To get involved with someone else after a serious break-up is a very bad choice to make. When she broke up with me she said that she would rather be alone, but I know that she can't be alone, she has been alone all her life and all she wants is for someone to love her and treat her with respect, I gave her all that and much more. Right now she is jumping into something without thinking and all it will bring her is heartache and pain in the end. She is so starved for love and attention that it will leave her empty inside after every relationship and soon she will have no more love to give because she will have no heart. As for me, I treated our relationship like a marriage, and to me if something happens to that one person you love nothing can take their place, because nothing can fill that hole in your heart. I will move on in this life by myself because that one person I loved so much and so dear is no longer a part of me, and nothing in this world can ever fill my heart with the love she has given me.

~~The Future~~

Right now I'm not sure as to what the future will bring, I'll let God handle that part for me. Currently one of my ex g/fs has been talking to me. She says that no matter what happened between us in the past she still loves me very much and wants nothing more but to be with me. She is aware of the hard time I am going through right now, and respects the fact I can't get involved with anyone at the moment even if I ever wanted to. She was in 2 other relationships after we broke up and the guys she was with treated her very disrespectfully and called her all sorts of names. She says I'm special and unique and that I would never do something so hurtful because I'm a kind and gentle person with a very loving heart. However everytime I'm hurt by someone I lose a piece of my heart, yet she saw past this and remembered me for how I used to be. I love her for being there for me when nobody else was, and I love her for the strength she has given me, but I feel that I can't love her with my heart, for my heart is not ready.

Over my life I have learned that the future is not yet written and that life is a dream in which you have to make things happen for yourself. I leave it in God's hands to make my future the best it can be. Even though sometimes the choices he makes may not be the ones I want, I will just have to deal with it and continue on with my life the best I can because I know that God has a reason and a purpose for everybody in this world. I will probably never truly get over Stephanie, but I know that if God ever brought us back together I would be more than happy to welcome her into my loving arms again. I will forever love you Stephanie, no matter how far we may become apart, I will always love you now and forever. You will be in my heart and my soul for as long as I live, even after I die. I will go on in life and build this future with my own hands, thank you for your support, your love, and your heart, good bye...

With All My Love, Now And Forever,

~~Brandon Bartels

Moonlight Eyez WhIsPeReD OuT @ 9:40 PM

-ThE EnD-